In September, Ben celebrated three years living in a group home in Charlotte, North Carolina, with five other men. Ben lives 20 minutes from our house, and we see him several times a week for doctor's appointments, to drop off supplies, for group home events and sometimes because I just miss him. Ben occassionally sleeps over, and he often spends a weekend day hanging out on his favorite couch, watching videos at our house.
This Easterseals PORT Health home is Ben's second placement. The first placement through another agency didn't work out, and he left after six months. We were wary of trying a new place, but it's worked out well.
My husband, Ryan, and I have developed a partnership with ESPH. Over time, we've built mutual respect and trust with the residents and staff.
Here's what's worked for us:
1. Get involved with the group home.
Ben lives with five other men in a six-bedroom house in Charlotte. On move-in day, Steven, one of the residents, made us feel welcome. In his best radio announcer voice, Steven let us know that Ben was now a member of the Ashcraft Team. Because of Steven, Sept. 12, 2022, will forever be ingrained in my memory.
Within the first couple of months, a neighbor suggested we plan a Carolina Panthers Tailgate party at the group home – many of the residents are avid football fans. It was a small event with a few friends bringing snacks and drinks to share with the residents. Over the next several months, I began planning activities for the residents. It blossomed into a monthly calendar with events run by a group of dedicated volunteers.
A key to all of this was the group home manager. She was on board with these activities as long as the residents supported the events we had planned. Since then, we've given two interest surveys so the residents can choose what they like the best. Along the way, we also ask what they like best: Bingo and Pet Therapy are always high on the list.
I never planned to get involved this heavily with the group home. It just happened. The involvement fills several purposes: I stay involved in Ben's life, I provide meaningful activities for the other residents, and I bring community and fellowship to the group home.
I hope I'm giving more than I am receiving, but it may not be the case. I learn a lot from these six men.
2. Stay connected with the staff and manager.
I am a mom to a resident and a volunteer – I keep in close contact with the group home manager because she's in charge of all six men, round the clock staff and everything else she's required to report to ESPH and the state.
My role is to make her job easier – whatever that means. I ask them, 'What does the group home need?' They usually have a list at the ready.
3. Get to know your adult child's housemates.
At 22 years old, Ben is the youngest in the house. The other housemates range from 55 to 70 years old. Sometimes, I am in a rush to drop supplies off or pick up Ben, and I don't have the time for a conversation with the residents.
One time, while I was talking with the group home manager in her office, one of the residents rolled in. The manager's demeanor softened and she moved her attention to the resident. She asked, "Do you want to talk?" I excused myself and the resident moved toward the desk.
That short interaction showed me how important it is for each resident to have his time to talk, share, explain–to be listened to.
I am more intentional when I walk in the house now. What's more important than spending a few moments listening to someone?
4. Observe what's needed at the group home and try to provide it.
Most of the residents at Ben's group home don't have active family members around to provide events and outings. Many family members were heavily involved in the early days, when the house was new, but some family have passed or are unable to provide now.
I believe it's our job to take on where those parents left off. The residents love to share the stories about how their parents got this group home started, how they all met and what good things their mothers did for them. I can't hear those stories too many times.
5. When there's a problem, address it with calm, peace and love.
Of course, there have been problems–the time Ben was pooping out strange material (the diaper he'd eaten), when Ben wouldn't sleep all night, or when he fell in the bathroom. My first response was panic and problem solve–my go-to skills. Again, I've learned to listen, ask questions and see how I can help.
With relationships in place, we know everyone operates from a place of love and kindness.
6. Choose how you will be involved in your child's life.
There are many ways I can be involved in Ben's life. I could choose to just take him out when we want to see him but for some reason, including his housemates (now friends) is normal. Ben still gets time at our house alone with us. But sometimes it feels like our family gained five more members.
"Parenting an Adult Child with Disabilities" is a series on eSpeciallyBen. As Ben approached 18, it was clear our role changed as parents. We needed to help Ben transition into adulthood. These stories are meant to assist other families who face, or will face, some of the same challenges.
This sets my mind at ease as this is something I have been contemplating for a while. There are some wonderful group homes where I live, but they all have waiting lists. My heart does break a little bit at the thought of Faith moving to one, but I also know I can't look after her forever and since she is very social, I think she would do OK. Thanks for the post!
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